What is with these guys? Of all the liquor purveyors in this country, Coors is the only one that should have stayed under after the repeal of prohibition. They have not done a God Damn thing right since. The product is shit (I know, man landed on the moon), their advertising makes the folks at Geico look smart and the gimmicks are not clever enough to trick a Saint Bernard.
I remember when I tasted my first Coors Light. I was 15 and it was free. And warm. And skunked. I loved it, but really, my only basis for comparison was some cheap whiskey I stole from the parents wet bar. Time passed, I realized that Bud Light was much more fashionable and I felt way less gay asking the bums outside the liquor store to buy it for me. Then a funny thing happened. I was 22 and the store near my house was out of BL's. I said fuck it, Coors can't be that bad, picked up a 12 pack and tapped the Rockies. Guess what? It tasted EXACTLY like it did the first time I had it 7 years prior (warm and skunked).
As far as their marketing campaigns go - I'll leave it to Drew Magory of Kissing Suzy Kolber to summarize those efforts:
I remember when I tasted my first Coors Light. I was 15 and it was free. And warm. And skunked. I loved it, but really, my only basis for comparison was some cheap whiskey I stole from the parents wet bar. Time passed, I realized that Bud Light was much more fashionable and I felt way less gay asking the bums outside the liquor store to buy it for me. Then a funny thing happened. I was 22 and the store near my house was out of BL's. I said fuck it, Coors can't be that bad, picked up a 12 pack and tapped the Rockies. Guess what? It tasted EXACTLY like it did the first time I had it 7 years prior (warm and skunked).
As far as their marketing campaigns go - I'll leave it to Drew Magory of Kissing Suzy Kolber to summarize those efforts:
All of this is well and good but certainly not worth an entire post. That is where the new gimmicks come in and push me right over the top. First we had the mountains changing colors once the bottles were sufficiently cool (blue like your eyes). That was pretty fucking stupid. I've held enough cold objects in my day and I am pretty confident I don't need some paper label to tell me when my beer is ok to drink.It's a beer ad. It's not fucking hard. Start with a monkey. Then show some tits. Then make a dick joke. Then cut to product. See? Gold. Yet these guys constantly fuck it up. Coors Light's motto is "The coldest beer in the world!" Do they understand the logic flaw in that selling point? Oooh, it's so cold, we can only measure it in Kelvin! Morons. You know what the coldest beer in the world is? ANY OF THEM. I had a Coors Light once that had been sitting in the car for an hour in late August. It was anything but cold. So fuck you, Pete Coors. Fuck your advertising, and fuck your cheap, shitty beer. Fuck.
Currently, we are in the middle of the newest cluster fuck of a promotion - vented wide mouth cans. That's right, if the wide mouth alone isn't enough to rush their shitty swill to your liver, now there is a quarter inch vent along side to quicken up the pace. To set the record straight, I was never really on board with the wide mouth thing in the first place. It is not like drinking liquid from a can was ever all that challenging. I'm pretty sure it was something that Terry Schiavo could have managed on a bad day. Plus, worst case scenario, can't you just pour it into a glass? Now we get a vented wide mouth? Pretty sad. Its readily apparent that the brain trust running this shit show has never heard of shotgunning.
You want to impress me Coors, find a way to put a tab on the side of the can along with the one up top. That way, I won't always have to carry keys with me and I won't have to worry about hacking up my fingers and gums on all the shrapnel.
