Oh Canada

What a place.

They say you learn something new everyday and today is no exception as I got me some education on our friends to the North. You see, Canada is not all that different than Russia or China. They give off this vibe like they are totally free (decriminalizing weed, graciously hosting draft dodgers and military AWOLs, etc..) but it's a bunch of bullshit. Don't believe me? Try moving up there and starting a radio station focused on 1990's American Hip Hop. Can't do it.

The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) has these silly laws in place that require all radio stations to play 35% Canadian content. That guarantees that every third song you hear on the radio will be either by Broken Social Scene or Nickelback. It's really hit or miss up there and even Bryan Adams once complained that Can-con promoted mediocre content. Coming from Bryan Adams, that's saying a lot.

Naturally, these China-esque laws don't stop with radio waves. They extend right on through to television and the internet which is where things start to get interesting. From today's National Post:

An Edmonton-based adult film producer has won federal government approval for a new pornography channel with an unusual twist: half of the content is to be Canadian.

Shaun Donnelly's Real Productions received the OK from the CRTC on Wednesday to operate a digital cable channel -- called Northern Peaks -- that is billed as "Canada's first adult video channel programming significant Canadian content."

At first this might seem like a bad thing - you know with the whole government telling you what you can air and what you cannot thing - but for Donnelly, when life gives you lemons...

"I've always found there's a real turn-on to watching and knowing it's people you could run into in the grocery store,"

So there you have it. Although, I'm still a little confused as to the intent of the law. Toronto has an enormous Asian population, more than a couple probably nationalized. Which side of the 50% would some girl on girl Torontasion content fall on? This is something that will need to be cleared up, pronto.

Bleep You, Liberals

Eddie Vedder tickets went on sale last week. Apparently he's doing some solo shows following a nationwide full band tour that ended in June. I caught the last two shows at the Great Tweeter Comcast Woods Center and suffice it to say, I was blown the fuck away. See, that is what happens when I venture out to any sort of musical act. I always feel so-so heading into the show and come out ready to tattoo the band name on my lower back (wait? what?). I have what you might call an addictive personality.

Anyway, I was happy as fuck when I heard about Vedder touring solo if only to carry on the stoke I felt during the last week of June. I realized it wouldn't be quite the same since 90% of the band would be staying home and the setlist would be invariably different. I also realized the political bullshit would be ten times what it was in Mansfield but whatever, I was game. What I did not know was that all the liberal fucks and MoveOn.org douche bags would come out en masse and drive the ticket price of this shit through the roof. Both nights sold out in about 13 seconds flat and now its looking like 150 bucks a ticket just to get my ass in a seat that night.

So, to all you tight jean wearing, George Bush hating wannabe Canadians: GET FUCKED. Take the weekend off from bitching about high gas prices or illegitimate wars and kindly go die in a boating accident. And most importantly, stop fucking up my summer.

Adolph Coors - Fucking it up Since 1873

What is with these guys? Of all the liquor purveyors in this country, Coors is the only one that should have stayed under after the repeal of prohibition. They have not done a God Damn thing right since. The product is shit (I know, man landed on the moon), their advertising makes the folks at Geico look smart and the gimmicks are not clever enough to trick a Saint Bernard.

I remember when I tasted my first Coors Light. I was 15 and it was free. And warm. And skunked. I loved it, but really, my only basis for comparison was some cheap whiskey I stole from the parents wet bar. Time passed, I realized that Bud Light was much more fashionable and I felt way less gay asking the bums outside the liquor store to buy it for me. Then a funny thing happened. I was 22 and the store near my house was out of BL's. I said fuck it, Coors can't be that bad, picked up a 12 pack and tapped the Rockies. Guess what? It tasted EXACTLY like it did the first time I had it 7 years prior (warm and skunked).

As far as their marketing campaigns go - I'll leave it to Drew Magory of Kissing Suzy Kolber to summarize those efforts:

It's a beer ad. It's not fucking hard. Start with a monkey. Then show some tits. Then make a dick joke. Then cut to product. See? Gold. Yet these guys constantly fuck it up. Coors Light's motto is "The coldest beer in the world!" Do they understand the logic flaw in that selling point? Oooh, it's so cold, we can only measure it in Kelvin! Morons. You know what the coldest beer in the world is? ANY OF THEM. I had a Coors Light once that had been sitting in the car for an hour in late August. It was anything but cold. So fuck you, Pete Coors. Fuck your advertising, and fuck your cheap, shitty beer. Fuck.

All of this is well and good but certainly not worth an entire post. That is where the new gimmicks come in and push me right over the top. First we had the mountains changing colors once the bottles were sufficiently cool (blue like your eyes). That was pretty fucking stupid. I've held enough cold objects in my day and I am pretty confident I don't need some paper label to tell me when my beer is ok to drink.

Currently, we are in the middle of the newest cluster fuck of a promotion - vented wide mouth cans. That's right, if the wide mouth alone isn't enough to rush their shitty swill to your liver, now there is a quarter inch vent along side to quicken up the pace. To set the record straight, I was never really on board with the wide mouth thing in the first place. It is not like drinking liquid from a can was ever all that challenging. I'm pretty sure it was something that Terry Schiavo could have managed on a bad day. Plus, worst case scenario, can't you just pour it into a glass? Now we get a vented wide mouth? Pretty sad. Its readily apparent that the brain trust running this shit show has never heard of shotgunning.

You want to impress me Coors, find a way to put a tab on the side of the can along with the one up top. That way, I won't always have to carry keys with me and I won't have to worry about hacking up my fingers and gums on all the shrapnel.

Doing My Part

It's been a while. For which I apologize. I really did not plan on posting until June 7th but who knows, maybe I will squeeze a few more in before then.

A lot of hot air has been wasted regarding the expected stimulus checks millions of Americans are waiting on. Depending on the last two digits of your social security number, its quite possible you've gotten it back already. The last two of mine are 41 and my rebate cleared on Friday or Saturday of last weekend. Not sure of the exact day since I spent the weekend more or less in a drunken haze.

However, the key is that I did spend which is why I figured I would take a moment and break down where my stimulus money ended up. First, let me go on record - I think this stimulus plan is completely asinine to begin with and will do close to nothing to help our economy. A one time cash flow that amounts to little more than an extra week's pay for an average American is not going to do anything to solve what really troubles the economy ($130 oil, hundreds of billions of dollars in mortgage related writedowns by banks all over the country, an astonishingly weak dollar, 5%+ inflation, etc, etc...) Despite all this, I decided to play along and do my part. After all, I am a Patriot.

The government's disbursement plan coincided beautifully with a last minute trip to DC so it was not too tough to find ways to spend my money. For starters, I booked $180 round trip ticket on Southwest to get down there. The airlines (aside from Southwest) are struggling with higher fuel costs (its called hedging fucksticks) so what hell, I felt honored to give the industry a little boost. Once down there, I took in a Nationals game at their brand new park. Beautiful stadium. While I spent nothing on the ticket, I did buy about 3 dozen draft beers and some related ballpark food which came out to a cool hundo. I capped the weekend off with a dinner which included several orders of buffalo wings and another 3 dozen draft beers bringing the 2-day total to around 4 bills.

I took the other 2 hundred and dumped it in to my ING Orange fund so it could yield about 2.5% over the next 12 months. It also brings ING's capital up so they can make more shitty decisions on CMO's and other asset backed securities thus injecting some much needed liquidity into the market.

Like I said, I'm a Patriot.

Skirt Day

There are four days a year I look forward to like no other. They are holidays in my book and far more important than Christmas or Thanksgiving. In order of occurrence -

1. The First Two Days of March Madness
2. Skirt Day
3. July 3rd

Today, we'll spend sometime discussing what makes number 2 so damn amazing.

I think my favorite part of Skirt Day is that you never know when it is going to occur. We always know that March Madness begins on the 3rd of 4th Thursday of March. July 3rd is July 3rd. But Skirt Day? It Could fall within an unpredictably wide 4 or 5 week range. This leads to plenty of "almosts" and inevitable disappointment but when the day finally comes, you wind up feeling like Josh Hartnett at the end of 40 Days and 40 Nights.

Skirt Day 2008 came a little early but you can officially throw it in the calendar as April 23rd, 2008. The temps rounded out at about 80 degrees and the breeze was delightfully warm. Thankfully, we were not blue balled to death with glorious weather reports only to have a sea breeze fuck it all up this year and there were really only a couple of close calls. Believe me, it could have been a lot worse. I recall a couple of years back at URI days where the day eluded us until early May.

If you think this day loses its luster the older you get, you are sorely mistaken. It was fun in college because you had the quad as a central viewing point but there was so much T&A on campus that it really didn't provide any extra joy other than to signify the end of classes and beginning of summer. In the real world, it is approximately 37.5 times better. After being stuck in an office all winter long with the same insufferable broads wearing the same baggy dress pants and turtle neck sweaters, skirt day takes your mind places you forgot it could even go.

Since joining the adult work force, I have managed to get the two tournament days and July 3rd off every single year without fail. I'm getting a to a point in my life where I may need to start doing the same for Skirt Day. 2 hour lunches in Post Office Square just aren't cutting it anymore.

I'm Hard

Prior to last summer, Miller came out with a new beer called the Miller Chill. It was your standard American light beer infused with lime and salt. A lot of people saw it and instantly thought Corona ripoff. Before making my own snap judgement, I researched it a little and discovered it was nothing like Corona at all. It was actually good. Really good.

Fast forward to Labor Day and I'm a good 130 of these things deep for the summer (you can really only drink about 6 in a sitting before they wear on you). Summer was over but I was pumped. I finally found a summer beer worth getting excited over to replace Sam's Summer. I love me a Sam's Summer as much as the next guy but seriously, I've been drinking them every Memorial Day like clock work since I was 18.

With the Miller Chill's, there was really only one problem. It was a Miller. I loathe Miller anything. In life, we are forced to pick sides on a lot of issues. Nobody likes a fence sitter, they are homos. Bud Light/Miller Light is one of those sides you are forced to choose. Kind of like Coke/Pepsi, Duke/UNC or Tits/Cock. (As an aside, your choice on one generally impacts your choice on many others. For instance, those who choose the Miller Lights are way more prone to liking UNC and Cock. Crazy how it works out.) Back to the subject at hand, I am a Bud Light guy. Having to start my Saturday's off with a six pack of Miller product was not easy.

As the summer of 2008 gets closer, Anheuser Busch solved my dilemma by announcing Bud Light Lime. I saw the first commercials during the Final Four games and had the Tar Heels not been fucking me out of another 100 bucks, I would have popped wood right there in the bar. Now, summer can't get here soon enough so I can try one of these suckers.

Oh and if you're one of those purists who doesn't believe in fruit & beer combinations, eat a dick. It is a personal preference and one that I am perfectly ok with.

1987 = 2008

Lenny Clark has always told it like it is. For my money, he's the best comedian out there and it's a god damn shame all of his TV work has been so underrated (except for Rescue Me of course). Anyways, HBO aired this clip tonight and its the first I've seen of it. Have a watch and tell me that everything he talks about in 1987 isn't the exact same as it is in 2008. The terrorism, the drinking and driving, the everybody hating America - it's unfuckingcanny.



Now far be it from me to get all political on a sports blog, but what are all these assholes out there talking about when they say this country is a mess. If you're going to sit here and tell me that we are worse off after 8 years of President Bush than we were before he took office, I'm going to tell you that you're on another planet. Lenny performed this skit 21 years ago and the only thing that was different then was his coke habit and those thin ties. Outside of that, we're living in the same world my friend.

Sorry for the two posts in a row with You Tubes. I'm getting lazy, sue me.

Stuff White People Like

In my constant search for new and mildy entertaining blogs I stumbled upon Stuff White People Like. In a word, genius. I spent hours looking up and down the list, studying the eloquent prose. After reading about each item on the list, I found myself nodding in approval. It was all so true. If it wasn't something that I could directly relate to, I could easily think of 5 or 10 white friends that it would apply to. Many of the things listed were universally applicable to the white race. I mean find me a white person who doesn't like Mos Def or Asian girls. Can't do it.

At anyrate, I have re-posted the list for your convenience. I even put the best ones in bold. However, I strongly encourage you to visit the source to get the full write up for each item. I should also mention that the list is growing. There are currently 73 but a handful of new ones are added each week.

Stuff White People Like

1. Coffee
2. Religions That Their Parents Don't Belong To
3. Film Festivals
4. Assists
5. Farmers Markets
6. Organic Food
7. Diversity
8. Barack Obama
9. Making You Feel Bad About Not Going Outside
10. Wes Anderson Movies
11. Asian Girls
12. Non-Profit Organizations
13. Tea
14. Having Black Friends
15. Yoga
16. "Gifted" Children
17. Hating Their Parents
18. Awareness
19. Traveling
20. Being an Expert on YOUR Culture
21. Writer's Workshops
22. Having Two Last Names
23. Microbreweries
24. Wine
25. David Sedaris
26. Manhattan (Now Brooklyn Too!)
27. Marathons
28. Not Having a TV
29. 80's Night
30. Wrigley Field
31. Snowboarding
32. Vegan/Vegetarianism
33. Marijuana
34. Architecture
35. The Daily Show/Colbert Report
36. Breakfast Places
37. Renovations
38. Arrested Development
39. Netflix
40. Apple Products
41. Indie Music
42. Sushi
43. Plays
44. Public Radio
45. Asian Fusion Food
46. The Sunday New York Times
47. Art Degrees
48. Whole Foods and Grocery Co-Ops
49. Vintage
50. Irony
51. Living By The Water
52. Sarah Silverman
53. Dogs
54. Kitchen Gadgets
55. Apologies
56. Lawyers
57. Juno
58. Japan
59. Natural Medicine
60. Toyota Prius
61. Bicycles
62. Knowing What's Best for Poor People
63. Expensive Sandwiches
64. Recycling
65. Co-Ed Sports
66. Divorce
67. Standing Still At Concerts
68. Michel Gondry
69. Mos Def
70. Difficult Breakups
71. Being the Only Other White Person Around
72. Study Abroad
73. Gentrification

This, That and The Other Thing

Good News - I've decided to take a position as a paid blogger on a new site. I've linked to these guys before and now you will be able to see my genious on display over there. Here's the link, bookmark it. http://duelingcouches.blogspot.com

As for the money, I would rather not get into the details. Let's just say its enough to live in Southie but not quite enough for the Back Bay.

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In other items -

I will go on record as saying the winner of tonight's UMass/URI game will get into the Big Dance, the loser will join the NIT. 2nd biggest game of the week behind Memphis/Tenn.

Candace Parker going to the WNBA is bad for college basketball. Like many have said, I will not watch a WNBA game but I watch plenty of Women's CBB action just so I can see her play.